woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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