my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
