Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
