I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
