I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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