we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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