I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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