I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize