Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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