Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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