Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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