hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
