I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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