I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
