Already got asked if we're dating
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
