you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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