The best revenge is premature balding
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
