I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
