Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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