I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
