it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
