i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
