i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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