My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jerry, you need to find god
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
