I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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