I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
