I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Randomize
