Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just pee around me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
