I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
