So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it was like eating out sand paper
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize