After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
