I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
