drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The air was thick with penises
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
