Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
