he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize