There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Life is so much better after having sex.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
