If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
