good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
