i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
