If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
