FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
