Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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