Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
