my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
