her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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