I think my fart just growled at me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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