Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
