Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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