It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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