the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
