all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
