I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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