i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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