walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
