Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
