If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
