why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
