I think I died a long time ago.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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