Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
