I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She even gives head with a lisp.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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