apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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