i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
