South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
