Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize