do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
