if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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