He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
